In my mind
by Mezh
Summary: A Spike-Buffy. Built over Breaking The Habit. Song by Linkin Park.


Spike was angry. How the hell did she come off by refusing him and pushing him away like this? She had to be sick. Something had to be wrong inside her head. How could she say she could never love him? How could she judge him and say that she was better than him, when in fact she had been using him?

Memories consume  
like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again  
you all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
unless I try to start again

All of that damned Scooby Gang didn't understand. And they didn't bloody care about him either. He had pretended to long that he was just a part of the gang. That these people were his friends. He know that he loved The Slayer more than he could stand, and the fact that she so obviously didn't love him back made him feel sick. On one hand she didn't seem to mind him fucking her brains out. That is when she wanted it, when she needed it. So she didn't have to feel. Didn't have to deal. And on the other hand, she seemed to be rather disgusted with him. No matter what he did, it simply wasn't good enough for her and her little friendsI don't want to be the one  
the battles always choose  
'cause inside I realize  
that I'm the one confusedHe had to do something. Something drastic. He couldn't keep on being the one she stomped on all the time. He refused to degrade himself like this. He was a very proud person, and even though he loved her with every bone and every inch of his body, he had to stop the abuse. He knew he wasn't without blame in this. He could have stopped this a long time ago, but he still had small hope that he could make her see that he wasn't just bad. He had a hope, that she would feel him inside, feel that even a vampire had pure emotions. A small hope that he could make himself worthy of her love. And that she would give it to him. That hope had now died.I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm  
Breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
TonightHe went by her house. He watched her through the window. He swore under his breath that she would pay. She would come to regret that she didn't even try to get to know the real Spike. He had to figure something out. But God she was so beautiful and how the hell could he ever hurt some one he loved that much.Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I had no options left again

He mumbled a quiet goodbye and at the exact same moment he turned around and disappeared from sight, she swirled around and looked out the window and into the dark emptiness, swearing to herself that she had sensed something out there. By the time she was out by the tree, from were Spike had watched her, he was already well away and heading back for his crypt to pack the most necessary for the trip he knew he had to take.

I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confusedHe now knew exactly what to do. He didn't have to be worthy of her love, because he knew that if she did not find him worthy today, she would never. He packed whatever he needed to survive somewhere else for a period of time. His few valuables was packed and he strapped his bags onto the back of his motorbike. Now he had just one more thing he had to do before he left town.I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So I'm  
Breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
TonightHe sat down in his empty crypt and wrote a letter. Pouring all of his love, hate and anger into it. It said:Dearest Buffy.  
  
I hope you will read this letter to the finish, because this will be, as I am sure you are quite happy to hear, the last you will hear from me in awhile. You must know by now that I love you more than anything. I don't know if I can ever stop. I've tried to make you see what I am, but it is quite obvious that we don't see things from the same perspective. You see me a disgusting, helpless thing to which you can do whatever you please. As does you friends. You all seem to have made a funny little habit of mocking me. And you have been right. My love for you has made me weak. Well. No more. I am claiming my power back. This is why I have chosen to leave town for a time. You might say that I need to recover from a madman's disease. But you can rest assured that I will be back. And when I do you will no longer be your plaything. I will battle you and only one of us will able to rise again after that. If I can't have you, no one will. And if I should fail, it will be because you have killed me in the previous mentioned battle. And then I am sure I will no longer care about what happens to you or your miserable little friends.  
  
Sincerely  
Yours  
Spike.I'll paint it on the walls  
'cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it endsHe parked his bike outside her house. He rang the doorbell. I cut through the air like a sharp razor-knife. She opened the door and look at him. She was about to say something, when he hushed her and put a finger on her lips.  
  
He said; "Don't say a word, just hear me out for once". "I just want to give you this".  
  
A single tear ran down his cheek as he handed her the letter. He knew this was the end. Before she had a chance to say anything, he swirled around, jumped on his bike and drove away into the dark night with a deafening roar.I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
To show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight 


End file.
